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PRINTED
BY: FRANCISCO RAMOS CHAVES digital
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
Sent:
From: KRUL SRTR@XIP Mail address: KRUL@LISVAX@LISVAX@MRGATE@LI
Dept:
Tel
No:
Message
:I\:: 008310
Reply to:
TO: francisco ramos chaves@XIP TO:
Manuel Cunha@XIP TO: fernandez@A1
Subject: have fun
From: LACV01::MAESSCHALCK 1-DEC-1989
15:08:32.21 To: DOURO::KRUL CC:
Subj: HP, sun,DEC
FEo264-1gs5NE28.:.~~f;!f98~aí~06"A~8!:;N5v~Y~~~r14Y59Y~5:3~*
now at GSF ** -GSF1-l/H10
To: SHARON,JEFF,KELLY CC:
Subj: the future...
CONFUSER
NEWS -Edition 4
"All the news that fits, we
print" -A. E. Newman
DIGITAL
SELLS ITS EMPLOYEES -Digital Equipment Corporation announced today that
since it has had so much trouble selling its VAXes and has so many
excess employees, it will begin offering the employees for sale.
According to our reporter, DEC expects its employees to run about 20%
faster than its older machines and about half the speed of its RISC
based DECSTATION line. Prices and delivery are expected at the NODECEMP
show in January.
CASE
expands to new markets -The excitement in the computer industry about
recent CASE announcements has caused a flurry of new CASE related
topics:
BriefCASE
-CASE products for short people
SuitCASE-
for lawyers needing to manage their business
JustinCASE-
for companies nervous about trying the new CASE products
CarryingCASE
-A support tool for SEs
PipeCASEing-
To assist CASE workers who want to quit smoking
CASE-trate-
for UNIX hackers
TrumpetCASE-
for businessmen who own the part of NYC not controlled by the Japanese.
CASE-tinets- For musical engineering
CASE-in-point- for minds
too sharp for ordinary CASE tools.
HP/APOLLO MERGER
FOLLOWUP -It has come to the attention of this paper that analysts have
finally concluded what HP and Apollo each brought to their recent meger.
HP brought Tauruses and Apollo gave HP yet another line of incompatable
machines and lots of third party peripherals to compete with HP's own.
Most analysts are convinced HP should have bought Apcllo years ago when
HP could have also brought donuts.
COMPAQ announced
last week that it has the world's most expensive PC line at prices up to
$80,000. Compaq also announced sales of 2000 to its PC competitor
Hewlett Packard. HP spokesperson Fasta Cieuw said that the new machines
will allow HP management to do even larger and more complicated Lotus
spreadsheets. HP had previously announce the replacemnt of its world
renowned MBWA with MBLS.
Sun Microsystems
recently pronounced that X-Windows is not an industry standard. A SUN
spokeswoman claimed that it couldn't possibly be a standard as SUN has
not invented it yet. "As soon as we come up with it, it wil1 be
made a standard" she said. "We expect to have a working
X-Windows before the turn of the century and we promise to be first to
market as we always are."
DEC INTRODUCES ITS
FIRST MAINFRAME. -Digital Equipment Corporation announced its first
mainframe size computer. "We tried to make it bigger than IBM's but
we did not have enough sheet metal in the plant" a DEC spokesman
said. "However, it does outrun the DECStation 3100 by 20% and is at
least twice as fast as the employees we will be selling in the next
year". The spokesman was referring to the previous announcement
about sel1ing its employees.
HP ANNOUNCES RETURN
TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS -Because of recent criticism from employees about
how the "HP WAY" was going away, HP recently announced some
major plans to reverse the trend. "The first of these is the recent
removal of backup from our HP-UX SAM subsystem. We wanted to go back to
the old way of making a decision without any field or customer input
just like we used to do" a spokesperson from HP announced. The
spokesperson also stated that there was no truth to the rumor that HP
was intending to bring back donuts by merging with "Debbie Does
Donuts". "That kind of business is incompatible with the image
we want to project" said the spokesperson.
IBM ANNOUNCES NEW
WORKSTATION LINE -In a surprise move, IBM announced a fast way to bring
in a new, powerful line of workstations total1y compatible with its
current mainframe line. In an amazing feat of technical brilliance, IBM
claimed 100% compatibility between mainframe and workstation. IBM
spokesman Joe Isuzu said the new 3090SRX is at least as fast as the
Apol1o DN10000 "and a lot bigger and more expensive". Mr.
Isuzu denied that the 3090SRX is just a 3090 with all terminals removed
except the console. "Would we do something like that" he
asked? Prices for the new workstations are in the $lM to $10M range.
Delivery is expected to start by 1993.
HP CRITICIZES
CUSTOMERS -In a surprise move, HP sharply criticized some of its customers
for having centralized administrative machines and failing to put
workstations on the desks of their field engineers. "Who do they
think they are" a spokeswoman said. "Only we are allowed to be
so backward because we make them".
SUN DOUBLES MTBF
-SUN Microsystems claimed the MTBF leadership position in quality.
"In the tradition of leading the industry, we at SUN are proud to
claim the best quality increase. Once again, we lead not only in
price/performance and support, but now we are the quality champion"
said the new SUN Vice-President Jane Doe. "We increased our MTBF
from 100 hours to 300 hours, a 300% increase. HP can't do that. The best
they can do is 10.1 years to 10.2 years, a measly increase of less than
1%. That means we are more than 300 times better than HPt That's
leadership." This reporter asked HP to respond but we were unable
to find anyone in public relations or marketing. In related news, this
reported found out that the name "Jane Doe" is not the real
name for the SUN Vice-President we had talked to. However, she said it
was more convenient to use that name as it saved the company
considerable money not having to reprint business cards every time an
executive left.
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